Updated: Dec 10, 2019
I've written a lot about the topic of trust in the past and how trusting people was often really hard for me to do. I've shared with you personal stories of having faith in past romantic relationships to eventually find out that the person I believed in didn't have my best interest at heart.
The last time I wrote about those experiences was two years ago, around the time I had taken a hiatus from writing for Struck Inside Out. I've had two full years of reflection, stretching, growing, and moving forward. I wish I could say that I'm 100%,completely over those struggles of knowing when to fully place my confidence in someone, but the truth is that I still battle with it sometimes. And you know, I've come to learn that it may not be the worst conflict to deal with.
I used to label myself, both internally and externally, as someone with "trust issues." I'd replay the script of my story, the one that began as a child witnessing dishonesty, into my teen years of dating cheaters, and then climatically concluding it in my twenties where I eventually began actively seeking signs of deception in my relationships.
I never realized it at the time, but I placed a large portion of my identity, of who I was, into this idea of falsehood, in not only investigating the possibility of betrayal, but expecting it to be part of my experience. I put so much effort into thinking, writing and speaking about the inevitability of infidelity, that I became a spokesperson for it. The very thing I feared the most was the one thing I put all of my faith into; the subject I was essentially rooting for.
The interesting thing about all of this is that I was infidelity's handmaiden yet at the same time a preacher of what you are seeking is seeking you; like attracts like; what you put out you receive. My whole energetic vortex, my aura, my karmic vitality, if you will, were orbiting around the theme of all men are the same, people ultimately can't be trusted and the law of attraction is real! No wonder I was inviting all of these people into my life that proved to me exactly what I wanted to see; solely what I was trying to see.
Suffice it to say, it took me over ten years to figure that one out; to finally lift the veil over my eyes and understand that if I believe myself to be a victim of distrust, then undoubtedly, that is who I am and who I am ultimately going to be. The choice was mine. The freedom was mine. Yet I still kept choosing to remain in the prison I had happily and wholly built for myself.
I became used to allowing my thoughts to wander to imagined situations of unfaithfulness with every teeny tiny detail down to a tee. I thought rummaging through a phone every once in a blue was understandable and necessary in making sure everything was still okay. (As if going through someone else's phone to begin with is okay). I would have knots in my stomach when my respective other had a "guys night out" or a "boys trip," recounting all of the stories I had heard from other women about their ex's on bachelor parties or recapping the many men I had met bartending who feigned singlehood.
I guess in a sense, it's easy to play into this belief of adultery being the norm. Most of what we see on TV and watch in movies involve glorified affairs; E! News doesn't rush to cover wedding anniversaries and loyal comittments; and we have radio shows that exploit women trying to catch their boyfriends or husbands in the act of buying roses not for them, but for their mistresses. I think in some ways we're a society obsessed with faithlessness, duplicity and falsity. We put our guards up so as not to be wounded and damaged by these things.
This is clearly no way to live life; it's an easy out to believe in the collapse of your valued treasures but it's harder work, more beneficial work, to place faith in the fruition of what your life will become when you let go of all your doubts and fears. And quite frankly, it feels better to trust in the timing of your life and to believe that where you are at, who you are with, what you are currently doing, is exactly where you are meant to be. There's no naivety in that either, rather bravery and gallantry.
I'm not entirely sure when the shift occurred within me, when I realized I want to be seeking loyalty rather than skepticism and that I want to be in a relationship that holds and supports me rather than wears me down with doubt. I always knew I wanted those things, I just didn't know how to act as though I did. I thought I was doing that by "telling it how it is" but in actuality, I was really just setting myself up to experience the next chapter of my already worn out story.
What I do know for certain, what I've always known, is that what we focus the most on is what we end up receiving the most in. We create our stories. We may not have control over every element of our lives, there is always the unknown, but we do get to govern what direction we would like to go in. We can run in circles by repeating the same old script or we can choose a new path, an awakened way of living, and rather trust in ourselves. We are born into this life and we leave this life with no one but ourselves.
Have faith, cultivate self reliance, rest assured knowing that your life, your one cherished life, is so worth trusting in.