Updated: Dec 10, 2019
I've tried to shut you out for awhile now, but you keep coming back for me.
Every time I think I've escaped you, it's not long after that I see you in the distance, walking toward me.
I run in the opposite direction, but every time I turn around, there you are, a shadow in the wilderness, gently inching forward.
There have been times where I tried to embrace you and come to know the cracks and lines of your face; to try and understand why you are forever dwelling at the base of my stomach and in the back of my mind.
But your identity is unknown and your presence not warranted.
You cannot just come and go as you please, leaving me with a list of unanswered questions and a fire burning inside.
And after all of your unexpected visits, I still don't know what you're trying to tell me or what my next step should be.
For someone who always drops by unannounced, you don't have much to say. You leave your mark with the tying of a knot, straight into the center of me.
I know you're there from the moment I open my eyes in the morning. I can feel the tugging of the rope; the tightening of the knot; the expanse of emptiness in the valley of my chest.
I've come to learn that it's not your presence that frightens me, it's the heartache that stirs in your abandonment. The uncertainty that rises after you've walked out the back door.
Maybe I'm never supposed to know you. Maybe you were never supposed to be seen. Maybe I'm just seeing ghosts.
But if I'm certain of anything it's that one day I will come to know you.
One day you will be seen.
One day the ghosts of my present will become the demons of my past, released from their hold on me, forever remembered as the parts that made me whole.