Well, things have certainly been different for me lately. I didn't intend to miss so many weeks without posting a blog, but I've been experiencing some tough changes in the last few weeks and my motivation has escaped me.
I'm in what some people call, A Dark Night of the Soul, or what others in plainer terms may call it - a funk, deep sadness, heaviness, or simply, a hard time. For someone who always prides herself on being upbeat, optimistic and inspired by life, I haven't felt as in tune with that woman lately and I've been patiently waiting for her to come back to me.
You see, I tend to wake up excited for the day, grateful to be pursuing my passion and for living a life that I'm truly proud of. I understand that it is both a blessing and a choice to live in this manner, except I haven't been able to bring myself to choose to feel that way again.
It feels as though there is a heavy blanket rested upon me when I wake, and even with the sun shining through the windows, even with the breeze rolling in and the birds singing to a new day, I feel as though this weight is pulling me down. As much as I try to rise against it, in the end, I'm still defeated.
It's just another one of life's cycles I'm learning to become accustomed to; I know this won't last forever; I trust that all is working for my highest good, but even in that knowing there is still so much uncertainty. I preach being present to all moments of your life - the happy and the sad, the easy and the hard, the love and the heartbreak - but lately all my mind can focus on is the finish line - the moment I'll be freed from this.
And yet, as much as I want that freedom, my heart is complacent in its ache. There's a welcome sign leading me into the darkness, a chair to sit for awhile, and a bed to rest my head for the night. This sadness is as much a comfort to me as my desire to be released from it is.
For in my heartache, there are memories, and memories is what my mind wants to hold on to for now. If this ache were to leave me, then so are my memories, and maybe I'm not ready to let them go just yet.
I write this today not to get too personal or to overshare what I'm going through, but with the hope that if you're experiencing something similar, that you know you're not alone in this. We are meant to grieve, to cry, to not always feel our best.
We are meant for this because this is the space where we not only grow, but flourish. This is where we meet ourselves and rise to our highest potential.
For in this darkness, we are learning to breathe in so much light.