Updated: Feb 4, 2020
I woke up feeling really good today. I set my alarm for 5:45am and meditated for an hour before getting out of bed. An hour is the longest I’ve meditated in years, but the more I sat with myself and focused on deep breathing, the more I wanted to be in that space - in the quiet, the dark, the not yet lit sky - and just stretch it out for as long as I possibly could.
The moment I leave bed is the moment my mind goes into action mode, trying to accomplish as much as it can within a single work day. I try to value my mornings, the time I have before work, to be as meaningful as possible because it’s essentially my time before I work for someone else. I realize how much of my life is spent working for other people and how I must put even more energy into showing up for myself and what matters most to me.
This life isn’t meant to be lived in the same, repeated ways day in and day out. It’s up to us to make this life the experience that we want it to be, and that takes some work on our end, although I don’t like to label it as “work” because our perception shouldn’t be work, it should be a liberating experience. How easy it is to fall into a negative mindset and yet how easy it is to flip the switch and view things positively.
In all honesty, this year started off a little rough for me. Not only with physically being sick for a month, but mentally my head space has been clouded. I anticipated myself doing so much for my writing, taking online business and creativity courses, launching myself into more successful endeavors, to not be able to mentally or physically take on any of that. And I’ve been left with this feeling of inadequacy, complacency and essentially emptiness. There’s this gap within me that I don’t know how to fill and so many good things are happening for me that I feel guilty for not fully enjoying the moment of it.
So instead of pushing, of trying to move myself through it, I am just going to allow myself to be in it. I will sit in the discomfort. I will breathe in the unease. I will be patient with myself through the foreign sadness and for once in my life, I will understand that these times bring with them gifts too. Happiness and self-fulfillment aren’t the only emotions worth feeling, for in this space of unrest, distrust and unease, there is growth, movement and change, and I trust that this version of myself will bring me back there, where I will discover myself again.