Lately I've been having a hard time being happy with where I’m at in this point of my life. I’m always thinking about what more I can or should be doing; what I’m lacking or need surplus of; what isn’t good enough or only just enough; and what I’m afraid will never come. I go through these bouts of focusing on all that I’d wish I’d done so far and beating myself up for not accomplishing my goals just yet. We can be so cruel to ourselves sometimes, talking to ourselves in ways we would never talk to another human being.
You’re not good enough.
You’ll never have what you want.
You’re lazy and won’t get anywhere.
The life you dream of wasn’t meant for you.
For me, my ego is on both ends of the spectrum. One week, I wake up to bright pom-poms cheering me on as I get out of bed, and the next I’m being sat down by a very stern, intimidating guidance counselor, asking me what I’m doing with my life and what my plans for the future are. To which, my reply, as compatible as ever: I haven’t quite figured that one out yet.
To be honest, I’m getting really tired of judging myself for doing what I’m doing and for not doing what I think I should be doing right now. I’m tired of believing that I am small and unequipped to tackle that which would be most fulfilling for me. And I’ve grown extremely bored of making excuses to others for the decisions I’ve made for my life, solely out of my own insecurities.
It is what it is. Move on. Let go. Carpe Diem.
I don’t believe I was put on this world to be my own bully. I don’t need the darkened, ugly version of myself following me around, step by step, making sure there is a purpose for everything I decide to do; always requiring an end goal in mind. I simply just don’t need it.
This past weekend I attended a Hay House Writers Workshop in New York City. I met many interesting people from all over the world, each in their own unique stage of life and writing. Some had books published, a few had a book deal, many had multiple chapters written, and mostly everyone had a book idea or proposal in mind. But what really tied us all together was that each one of us shared a common fear of reaching the place within ourselves that we believe to be bigger than us.
We were afraid of never doing the work that will lead us to the fulfillment of our dreams and yet we were also afraid of doing the actual work. Of showing up, day after day, taking the necessary steps to get us to where we want to be. Of relying only on ourselves to get us there, yet also being petrified that we would ultimately let ourselves down.
Of the many things I learned about being a writer, building a platform and getting published over the weekend, the one thing I took with me the most is that we all carry so much fear.
We’re afraid something is going to happen and even more fearful that it never will. We want to be successful at what we do, but we’re worried we’ll never get there or the work to maintain that success will be too daunting and result in failure. We’re scared of falling in love and petrified of the potential heartbreak that love may cause.
Fear, fear, fear and more fear. Our lives can become a cycle of fear.
What lies at the bottom of all this fear is choice. And action. Our fear is simply a choice we make and action is how we get rid of fear. Am I terrified of never becoming a published author? Am I scared to see what will come up when I decide to dedicate myself to this work?
The answer, even after all of this, is still yes. I think I will always have this little pit of space in my stomach that feeds my fear and makes a cup of tea for it. But it’s what I decide to do with that fear that will make a difference in my life.
I can choose to become allies with it, welcoming it into my house and making space for it in the guest room, while I still run and maintain my home. As long as I know exactly where my fear is, then I won’t have to worry about letting it run my life. If I can see it, then I know what to expect and what the best course of action is to take.
I truly believe the best action to take in bouts of fear is to begin realizing what it is that makes you overwhelmed with bliss. Find that one thing that you cannot live without, the force that drives everything you do, and make it your own.
For me, I dream of writing a book. That dream, although daunting at times, is what I know I need to do in order to live freely. In order to live freely, I must let that which is inside of me set free.
Because it doesn’t really matter if I’m not working in the career I had once thought I would be working in right now. It doesn't matter if I'm doing what I have to do to get by. It all doesn’t matter when I’m choosing to spend my time birthing the things I love and that cultivate my inspiration. In the end, that’s all that ever matters.
If we choose to spend our time, day by day, doing the things we love, then the things we love will come and find us.
It is what it is. Let go. Move on. Carpe Diem.