Lately I’ve noticed that I keep striving to be “myself” again.
I reach for the eternal optimist in me; the girl who ceaselessly weaves darkness into light and never tires from seeing the good in all things. That girl feels like home.
But she’s temporarily escaped me and I’m met with someone who’s less likely to find the sunrise in a black sky.
It’s not that I'm searching for my worries or fears, but I’m comfortable sitting alongside them. Although I tend to feel wrong for not cultivating gratitude for my current circumstances or making the most of the present moment, I know this period of transition is just that - a period. An in-between moment until I take the next step forward.
I feel off sometimes because I’ve become wedded to the version of myself that needs to be joyful, thankful, and charismatic all the time. The pressure to constantly show up in this way for myself or others can get exhausting and is not exactly realistic.
Over the past few months I’ve spoken about the death of this girl in my therapy sessions. I’ve watched as I no longer desire to be magnetic, the center of attention, or responsible for other people’s experiences. I’ve witnessed the woman who craves positivity in every moment, who needed everyone around her to enjoy themselves, who wanted nothing negative to creep into her awareness slowly drift away from me.
What’s left is an emptiness I don’t know how to fill.
And relief.
Relief from the pressures of making everyone around me happy; of proving myself to anyone; of having to be anything other than what I’m feeling at the moment.
Although there’s darkness here and I can’t see the light up ahead, I feel freer than I ever did before.
That’s what these periods of feeling lost are all about - embracing the unknown, experimenting with different ways of being and simply allowing yourself to be as you are.
True freedom exists in the space where you relinquish control and offer yourself the time to explore the caverns of your soul with no expectation on when you need to have it “figured out.”
Some of the best experiences of our lives were born from not having it figured out.
Maybe not knowing is the best thing you can do for yourself right now.
