Updated: Dec 10, 2019
What is that saying again about taking risks? “Leap and the net will find you”? Or was it, “All growth is a leap in the dark”?
Either way, the both are synonymous - take a chance on something new and everything will eventually fall into place. Every new beginning is like a blank page, an empty canvas and a new start. That’s where we believe the darkness to be; in the center of that ambiguous uncertainty that lies in the pit of our stomachs at the dawn of each new venture.
I think sometimes it’s easier to remain in the dark or in a lack of movement state, if that makes sense. It feels more convenient to just keep doing what you’re doing because you already know the outcome – you’re living the outcome.
But what about the moments where the darkness no longer suits you and you are looking for a change that will doubtlessly bring more darkness once you’ve crossed uncharted territories?
I’m talking about the trust it takes to trust in yourself to make the right decisions for your life. It’s always been hard for me to decipher my gut feelings and intuition verses my own “stuff” coming up – my own issues, baggage, past experiences, ego, etc. I always listen to that inner voice that guides every step I take, but sometimes the sound waves get foggy and I can’t choose what voice to listen to.
Six years ago I was living in another state with my boyfriend at the time, who really wasn’t the best person for me. I had come home to New York for the holidays with no definitive answer of whether I was going to go back or not. I wrote in my journal when I did decide to go back and live with him for a few more months: It’s just so hard when you make a decision and everyone around you has some judgment or feeling about it that is completely against how you feel or what you think to be true.
I remember writing about that at the time, like so many other times in my life, where my own voices and the voices of others around me affected my judgment. It’s not only hard to choose between the voices going on in your own head, but it becomes even noisier when you have the opinions of others entering your headspace.
I probably shouldn’t have left New York to continue such a tumultuous relationship so far away from home, but despite all of the people telling me that I should move on alone, (including my own voice too) there was still a part of me that felt like I needed to do something for myself.
Whether it was right or wrong or beneficial or detrimental, I just went with my decision and took a leap of faith that everything would eventually work out. I didn’t care if he wasn’t “the one,” or if I was being the dumbest person in the world by going against everyone’s advice for my life – I just did it, I stuck to it and I owned it.
As you can tell by now, we clearly didn’t stay together and probably more times than none we were fighting and I was wishing that I was home, but the point is that I was and still am okay even after going with a decision that I was completely uncertain about. I still had some unfinished business left to attend to with him; I set out to get that out of my system so that I could finally move on with the realization that I wouldn’t miss him when I did choose to leave.
The summer I came home, I went on a one month backpacking trip throughout Italy with my best friend and cousin and the freedom that I felt on that trip was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. I’m not sure if I didn’t go back to live with my ex if I would have felt the same awareness and clarity that I did during that summer of unrestrained adventures.
It’s always hard to choose to open up our heart to new things, experiences or people because we’re not always sure that those new elements of our lives are worthy of our full hearts. We don’t want to be let down and we don’t want to be disappointed or heartbroken. But movement dissipates uneasiness and within action there is power.
Whatever decision you decide to go with in your life, whether the people around you are for it or against it or whether your own inner voice is guiding you or redirecting you, any decision you make will end up being okay. All roads lead to growth and self-awareness - some just wind up being longer detours before reaching the finish line.