Has anyone else felt a shift in energy this year? Like things aren't quite the way they were before? Maybe you feel a little different or maybe your life doesn't hold the same value or meaning as it did last year?
I know those are pretty big and dramatic questions, but I have to admit, ever since the start of the new year, I just can't seem to shake this feeling like things are somewhat "off" for me. I don't mean "off" in a bad way either, it's just that I've been waiting to feel like my old self again and to find the same happiness and comfort in what I once did and all I can feel is this overwhelming desire for the new and uncharted.
And yet as much as I want the adventure and possibility of the undiscovered, my heart longs to find itself settled into what used to bring me fulfillment. I feel like I don't really know what truly makes me happy anymore and I find my mind looking at things as though they aren't "good enough." Even though, in reality, things have been better for me at this point in my life than they've ever been before.
Which brings me back to wondering why I feel so complacent and uneasy lately. And why do I keep judging myself so harshly for being in between? I think in a sense, I'm always in between. I was editing my book of poetry and prose yesterday and realized how I've written a lot about the in between phase throughout the last few years, not realizing in the moment that it's one of my major themes. If this has been a constant in my life, then why does this time feel so different?
Maybe I'm about to embark on something entirely new? Maybe I'm about to shed old patterns and habits to step into who I'm meant to be? Or maybe it's time for me to take a chance on myself and the new and completely uproot my life?
Whatever this uneasy feeling is, it's really making me think about my one life and what I can do to make a difference. Not just for myself, but others. It's begging the question of my soul's purpose and what exactly I'm meant to be doing here.
How about you? Do you ever think about things in this way or am I just the crazy one spiraling further and further into my own existential dilemma? Do you ever feel like you're meant to be somewhere or someone else already? Does your mind sometimes not seem to have an off switch?
The one thing I am learning from all of this is that this moment is all that's real. The past is over and the future isn't yet here. If I can focus this chaotic energy into breathing in the present, looking for the current joys and gratitude of my life, then maybe all of this won't seem as daunting and confusing.
Maybe, just maybe, I'm meant to be "off" right now, because by only being "off" will I actually come into the awareness needed to grow into who I'm hoping to become.
Maybe, I'm not in between. Maybe I'm both at the end and start of something entirely new - something more.