I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately, as I’m choosing to be alone for the first time in almost ten years. It’s freeing, this feeling of needing no one but myself - of wanting nothing but solitude. How easy it is to get caught up in someone else, their life, and the possibilities of what you two can create together.
When things don’t go according to either of your plans, you’re back at square one - where you started - and soon enough, you begin the search for someone else to fill the void. It’s this never ending cycle of always wanting or needing someone by your side, and to be released from this habituation has offered me many awakenings.
I look back at my past experiences with love and I see a girl who I don’t recognize anymore.
A girl who
desires intimacy even when followed by emptiness.
encounters the salacious yet knows depths that run deep.
struggles to be seen but never truly saw herself.
repeats cycles that pick her apart and leave her wounded.
chased after men who didn’t value or respect her.
stayed in situations far longer than she should have.
never listened to her intuition, even when it shouted for her attention.
settled for love she thought she deserved.
wondered if she’d ever find what she’s looking for.
I’ve been all of these girls and more. I’ve fallen in love far too many times to count, and oftentimes, I was seeing men through the lens of who they could be, rather than who they really were.
I’ve stayed in relationships that I knew from the start were never going to work, but I was hopeful that maybe one day they would.
I believed in men who at my deepest core I didn’t trust, who made me think I was crazy for ever assuming they betrayed me, to discover that the voice telling me to run was the voice of truth all along.
I settled, even when not treated with respect.
I loved, even at my own detriment.
I tried, as hard as I could, for as long as I possibly could, until I couldn't anymore.
I’ve done and been all of these things. I’ve also experienced love that greeted me with warmth, listening, understanding, and the comfort of feeling at home.
But today, for the first time in a long time, I’m not choosing anyone else. I’m not looking to fill any gaps. I don’t need anyone to “see” me.
I see me.
I trust in me.
I love me.
I choose me.